


All Purpose Lumps

by enemy_xands



Category: Adventure Time
Genre: Animals, Humor, Masturbation, Multi, Prompt Fic, Sex Toys, Sex exchange
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-05-19
Updated: 2011-05-18
Packaged: 2017-10-19 13:49:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/201558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enemy_xands/pseuds/enemy_xands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After LSP runs away from home, she decides to support herself by selling her "lumps"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If I May

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I've tried a long multi-chap fic. How much can I wreck the Adventure Time fandom for the lulz? This was born from an impromptu, non-challenge prompt that was roughly "LSP sells her lumps" and I just ran with it. Takes place pretty during and immediately after "Heat Signature" and then derails. Follow me friends!

Lumpy Space Princess tossed her ruined can of beans into the TP’d trees and growled. She grabbed her cell phone and waited for Melissa to pick up so she could vent.

Stupid Finn. Stupid Jake. What were they talking about being invisible? She didn’t know what they were doing but whatever their game was, they had totally ruined her camp site. Now what would she do? She certainly wasn’t going to crawl back home to her lumping parents, and she couldn’t risk staying with friends because they might rat her out. All of them were fakers anyway, and now Finn and Jake had turned into complete lumping jerks. Life lumping sucked right now.

When Melissa finally picked up, LSP blurted out, “ARG!”

“What is it now?” Melissa sighed.

“Finn and Jake kicked my beans over now I don’t have any food!” Lumpy Space Princess cried out. “What am I gonna _do_ , Melissa?!”

“Um…” Melissa thought for a moment. “Hunt?”

“Hunt? I can’t hunt! There’s nothing out here but owls and worms!”

“Maybe you should go stay with someone now?” Melissa offered. She and LSP had been over this once before, and the answer was predictable.

“No!” LSP said stubbornly, attempting to cross one arm over her front. “I don’t need to stay with anyone!”

Melissa sighed, then another idea flitted into her head. “Hey, why don’t you try that compensated dating thing?”

LSP paused for a minute, then facepalmed. “Gawd Melissa, you’re such a weeaboo. That doesn’t work in real life!”

Melissa bristled. “I am not! And it totally does work! Remember Candyfloss?”

“Yeah, isn’t she, like, a model somewhere now?”

“Yeah, but she was homeless for a while too. She did the compensated dating thing and was living in a penthouse on her own.”

Lumpy Space Princess sighed, partly horrified that she was even entertaining the thought. “Well… maybe…”

“Come on LSP, you could totally sell your lumps to old dudes for cash.”

“What?! Ew! I don’t want old dudes! And who the lump said anything about selling my ‘lumps’?!”

“Well… that’s what you do…” Melissa was perplexed, as she thought LSP had been following her drift the whole time. What did she think compensated dating was? Since she didn’t have flesh to wear panties (and Melissa is totally not a weeaboo) she had to give them SOMETHING for the “compensated” part. LSP ranted over the phone for another few minutes until Melissa jumped in to stop her for at least a minute.

“Okay you don’t have to lump old dudes if you don’t want! Lumping gawd, LSP you’re such a drama queen! But you’ll have to do something!”

Lumpy Space Princess twiddled her fingers nervously, then lit up. “You’re right, Melissa! Girl, you’re a genius!”

“Tha—I am?”

LSP hung the phone up before Melissa could say anything else. Her stomach growled, but she ignored it and crawled into her sleeping bag. Tomorrow would hopefully be the first day of her promising new career, but who would she start with?


	2. To Barter Your Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose some mild spoilers if you don't know Gunter's gender? Not that it makes sense without context. Also I worked really hard to get around "how does LSP know what a vagina looks like?", results may vary.

In retrospect, the choice seemed obvious.

The Ice Kingdom usually never bothered her, but today the winds howled ominously. Lumpy Space Princess bounced and floated to the massive crystalline castle in the distance, popping in through one of the high windows.

Inside, the Ice King was sprawled out on his giant bed wearing nothing but bandages. His stick-thin legs twitched in his sleep as if he were running. Curiously, his penguin Gunter was at the foot of the bed. LSP tried not to think about it too long and hovered over the Ice King, poking his pointy noise until he snorted and stirred.

“Nng—wha?”

“Wake up!”

Ice King bolted awake, hands already reaching and grabbing but LSP dodged him. He stopped, breathing heavily, and then he finally focused on the intruder in his room.

“What the hey?” he exclaimed. “Am I still dreaming?”

“Your dreams have just come true, loser,” LSP said, brandishing herself boldly. “I’m here to make your lucky day! One princess ready for kidnapping!”

Ice King’s brow furrowed and he stamped his foot in his bed. “No, no, no! You don’t get it, there’s no thrill if I can’t chase you and catch you!”

LSP faltered. “Wow, you really are some kind of lumping freak. Well let’s work something out here. For a fee.”

“Work something out? What are you getting at?”

“I’m getting at when was the last time you got laid, creep?!” LSP exclaimed, shaking the Ice King’s bony shoulders. He thought long and hard. By this time, Gunter had been rudely awakened by the antics and quacked in assistance.

“No, Gunter, I don’t think that counted. Okay, I guess… a long time bordering on never?”

“Thought so. What would you say if I ‘let’ you kidnap me and when you catch me you can have your way with lil ole me, eh stud?”

“I’d be disgusted, but also intrigued. Name your game.”

Lumpy Space Princess whispered in the Ice King’s ear for a few minutes, causing his face to turn a deeper shade of blue. He swallowed and tugged at the bandages on his waist as she laid out her plan. Gunter waddled up and quacked disapprovingly.

“Gunter!” Ice King admonished. Lumpy Space Princess had no idea what the penguin had said, but she crossed her arms and smirked anyway.

“Are you gonna listen to me or the penguin?”

Ice King looked truly conflicted between his conscience and common sense represented by the two ladies in front of him. But because common sense never wins out in these situations, Ice King disdainfully pushed Gunter aside. “Sorry Gunter, I gotta do it. I’ll take you out for dinner sometime, ‘kay?”

“WENK!” was Gunter’s reply.

“How much is this gonna cost me? I’m a king but not rich, y’know.”

Lumpy Space Princess pumped her fist in victory.  
~~~

The chase was bland and both Ice King and Lumpy Space Princess knew it, but they had a shared goal in mind now. When she was caught, LSP perfectly feigned fear and irritation, and the Ice King hauled her back to the same room they had negotiated in just a few hours earlier. He locked her in the too-spacious cage, then hovered in front of the bars and waited.

“For your freedom, uphold your end of the bargain!” he roared, but it was all bark and no bite.

Unceremoniously, Lumpy Space Princess pinched free a piece of her cloudy self. She punched it smooth, shaped it until it vaguely resembled a torso, then drew a crude rendition of female genitalia as far as she could remember it. She was sure the Ice King wouldn’t know the difference either. She pushed it through the bars and it floated a few inches off the ground of its own accord.

“There ya go, now pay up and let me out.”

“What?!” the Ice King bellowed. “You said if I went through this I’d get to have sex with you!”

“Pssht, yah, but I never said you’d have sex _on_ me! Don’t knock it ‘til you try it!”

Ice King, furious, regarded the morbid sex aid for a few moments, then grabbed it gingerly and carried it off to his bedroom, still grumbling.

Inside his bedroom, Ice King lobbed the humanesque aid onto his bed and regarded it again. Gunter waddled in and another disapproving quack stopped in her throat.

“Wenk wenk?” she asked.

“That’s the end of our bargain,” the Ice King said with a sigh.

“Wenk,” the penguin said smugly. The Ice King glared at her.

“What do you know, Gunter? I bet it looks just like a real human—oh it doesn’t matter, I’ve been had!”

Gunter hopped onto the bed and poked the floating cloud. It was solid, all right, if a little wobbly. She caressed it with her stubby fins and shoved it towards the Ice King.

“Wenk wenk, wenk wen-wenk.”

“You sleep in the bed I made too!”

“Wenk? Wenk wenk wenk wenk.”

The Ice King sighed and shrugged his robe off, then began unwinding the myriad of bandages around his waist. “I guess I could at least try the merchandise first. But if I’m not… um, satisfied, so help me—!”

Gunter shoved the lumpy torso again and the Ice King caught it. Now completely nude, the lumpy… thing didn’t feel that bad against his body. It was cool and lifeless, but what did it matter? It was also gloriously soft and squishy, and kind of bouncy. Gunter hopped off the bed as the Ice King laid his toy down with an amusing amount of care. He poked and prodded the soft folds, then caressed them with his spindly fingers, then groped them. He spread the “lips” of the vagina and pushed his fingers inside. Again, still cold and lifeless, but the feeling around his hand still excited him. Without further ado, he pierced the lumpy torso with his cock, and was immediately enveloped in what felt like soft, wet marshmallows. His hips thrust of their own accord into the soft, jelly goodness and soon he came. He fell in a heap on top of the lumpy torso and found himself at least partially suspended off his bed. He sighed, and nearly fell asleep when a soft “wenk” disturbed him.

“What’s that Gunter? Oh yeah, I better, uh, pay.”

“Wenk!”

“What? … You want one too? You’re kidding me!”

Gunter sheepishly kicked at the mussed covers on the bed. “Wenk.”

“Oh Gunter, you’re so scandalous! I dunno what you’re gonna do with it—I don’t want to—but…” The Ice King pinched a piece off the purple torso and handed it to Gunter. “Here you go.”

“Wenk!” Gunter said happily and ran off for parts unknown.

Outside in her cage, Lumpy Space Princess paced around nervously.

“I knew this wouldn’t work! Why the lump did I listen to lumping Melissa?!”

The Ice King finally emerged from his chambers, looking spent and still very naked. LSP gawked for a minute then gasped, covering her eyes with one hand and holding out the other.

“Time of your life?”

“I need to pay double for Gunter.”

LSP didn’t even dwell on that point; she simply accepted her freedom and payment.


End file.
